Cake batter fudge

I am the first person in line to throw serious shade at white chocolate. It's too sweet! It's not real chocolate! It crushes dreams and dims souls! . . . Okay, so maybe not the last thing, but you know what I mean. If only they didn't call it white chocolate, maybe I wouldn't dismiss it out of hand as the lesser chocolate, the pale (ha!) shadow of a more glorious form. Comparing white chocolate and dark chocolate is like comparing tomatoes and oranges. You're gonna be disappointed if you expect them to satisfy the same needs.

Why would I even attempt to use white chocolate as a base for fudge? I have a hell of a nerve, right? Yes, it's true, but I also have a wonderful friend who recently got herself knocked up, and I needed white chocolate in order to replicate cake batter in a way that wouldn't pose a hazard to her new uterine passenger. Raw egg consumption is generally frowned upon during pregnancy, so I thought I'd try to figure out a way to replicate a cake batter that I could mail halfway across the country. I chose cake batter, because my friend is that person who would (pre-pregnancy) much prefer to eat cake batter and cookie dough, instead of an actual baked good.

Enter cake batter fudge. I searched on the internet and finally found something that did not require me to purchase cake mix, which I objected to on the grounds that I only needed a few tablespoons of the stuff. That seems like a waste, especially since I don't use boxed cake mix in my cooking anymore (though I do, occasionally, get cravings for chocolate cake mix cookies).

This recipe is so, so easy. Like, I'm almost tempted not to share it, because maybe it's a little less impressive when you know that you can make it in a snap, watching episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation on Netflix (so yeah, I am a scifi nerd who is in the process of watching all of the Star Trek tv series--I can't believe I got to this age without watching them!).

I switched out my spatula for a wooden spoon to stir the chocolate and condensed milk together, right after taking this picture. 

I used the double-boiler method to melt the white chocolate and condensed milk together. You can also melt the chocolate and milk together in a microwave-safe bowl, if you don't want to do that. No one explained double-boiling to me when I first started baking and, for the longest time, I thought it was some complex, crazy method that only experts attempted. Silly me. Basically, to construct a double-boiler, fill a saucepan one-third of the way up with water and set that water to simmering. Place a heat-safe bowl over the pan so that the bowl rests on the pan, but doesn't touch the water. That's it. That's the non-magic of a double boiler.

I stirred the chocolate almost constantly as it melted, because I didn't want the chocolate to seize or burn on the bottom. When the white chocolate was all melted, I took it off the double boiler and added vanilla extract, almond extract, and imitation butter extract (yikes!) to the bowl. I used the imitation butter extract: A) because I happened to have it, and B) because I thought it would give the fudge an even more batter-like flavor. If you don't have it, I think you'll still get a nice flavor from just the vanilla and almond extracts.

After that, I quickly stirred in the rainbow sprinkles, to give it a "funfetti" feel. Funfetti, if you're not familiar, is a Pillsbury cake mix that has sprinkles. All the cool kids had funfetti cupcakes to give to their classmates when I was growing up. For the record, I was not one of the cool kids. Shocker, right?

When that was done, I poured the fudge into an 8x8 pan and let it sit for half an hour or so before deciding I'd rather scoop it into cupcake wrappers. I thought it would be fun and would help with the illusion of making the fudge seem like cake batter.

My fudge was a little thin, even after it sat for a hour on a cool counter. This made me really nervous, but I guess it just needed more time. The next morning, the fudge was the perfect consistency! If you need to have it set up in a couple of hours (rather than waiting overnight) I think you could just stick it in the fridge and that would help the fudge to harden.

I packed up the cute little discs of cake batter fudge and mailed them to my friend. I brought a couple pieces into work and had my beta tasters (otherwise known as my new coworkers) try them. They said the fudge smelled like cake batter and the taste was consistent with the funfetti flavor. Hopefully, my newly knocked up friend likes them just as much as they did. The fudge is really sweet and really creamy. One piece was enough to keep me on just this side of total sugar shock and system failure.

My friend is going to be a great mom. She loves people--all people. Over the years, she's toughened up her soft heart. I think her motto now (and the motto of all my wonderful, soft-hearted, sweet-natured college friends) is: "Always be as kind as possible, but also, take no one's shit." That's an important thing to take to heart (and head), one that I'm certain will serve her well as she enters The Motherhood. I like to think that I helped her with the "take no shit" part and that she helped me with the "be as kind as possible" part. That's a good trade, right?

Enjoy the fudge with the people in your life who've sweetened you up.

Cake batter fudge
(makes 30-40 pieces)
adapted from The Pursuit of Hippieness

In a medium- to large-sized bowl, melt 14oz sweetened condensed milk (not fat free) and 4 cups white chocolate chips together. Stir in 3 tsp vanilla extract, 1/2 almond extract, and 1/4 to 1/2 tsp imitation butter extract. Make sure chocolate isn't warm when you next stir in 1/2 cup rainbow sprinkles, or else the color from the sprinkles will run into the fudge. Pour into an aluminum foil-lined pan (8x8 for really thick pieces, 11x13 for thin pieces) to set. Alternatively, wait 30 minutes (for the fudge to begin the process of hardening) and then scoop the fudge into cupcake wrappers.

Allow the fudge to sit and harden in a cool place overnight. Pack away in an airtight container or freeze whatever you don't want to eat within a week to enjoy later.